08/05/2008: "Going Crazy!"

music: Rent - "Take Me or Leave Me"
mood: See above.

So, I finally got around to validating my site with the World Wide Web Consortium. It makes the OCD half of me feel a lot better.

Speaking of OCD, I'm probably going out of my mind. In this house, I feel... wrong. Like I'm not supposed to be here. And the testosterone levels are killing me slowly. I spend a great deal of my time cleaning up after everyone, but I can never be satisfied. It's not like they are that messy... well, sometimes they are... but I think I am just that obsessive compulsive that it will always get to me. This is why I cannot stop dreaming of my own place, where I will know where everything is, and there will never be a mess to clean up! I also just want one location to call home. Right now, most of my stuff is at my house with my parents, some is here with me at Josh's house, and soon, a good deal of it will be at my dorm at school. But just one more year of all this till I can settle down somewhere - I just need to convince myself to survive! I refuse to try to take medicine to calm myself anymore.

Josh and I had our one year anniversary in the middle of last month, and it was great. I can't believe it's been so long already. I really think we will make it. I had a four year relationship once - all of high school - but it was with someone so wrong for me. Josh is different - he's just like me. However, all his awesomeness is still not enough to make me want to stay in this house anymore, haha. I feel sorry for him that he has to continue to live here... but at least they are his friends; they aren't mine and probably never will be.

Anyway, my internship is wrapping up! It's been a great experience, and after swimming and canoeing in the river and really doing research for the organization, I do feel like I really am helping somehow. I'd love to live by the Rappahannock River - maybe I can find a job there. It's not even too far away from my parents and from the places I'm familiar with. So after the internship, I'm heading home on Friday, and I get to spend a week with my parents before they head off to the Hawaii house, and I stay and take care of the "zoo." I'm so excited to reunite with my puppy again!! Then after 2 weeks, it's back to school again...

So to wrap this blog up, here's a poem I wrote exactly 5 years and 1 month ago:

Cherished Nothings

Faded memories in photographs
of little girls laying in the leaves
and pink party dresses in front of a slumping evergreen
Distant adventures on mountains covered in snow
Riding on elephants in front of castles
And blowing out 10 wax candles at once.
All preserved so freshly in ink and paper
The satin still shines
The wind still blows
and the smoke still wafts through the kitchen
But where are the voices
and the sparkling eyes?
They say memories live on
But in these old pictures
moments in time captured by flickers of light
the hearts that filled them
have long since died
leaving cherished nothings behind.