01/15/2009: "People"

music: Train - "Something More"
mood: Down

People sadden me. I feel sick.

I discovered a book today, The Dreaded Comparison: Human and Animal Slavery by Marjorie Spiegel. All I was doing was simply looking for sources for the debate for class, in which I must argue that all species of animals should not have equal rights in relation to each other. While I'm not sure I totally agree with the statement, in that I feel their interests should be considered equally, I can argue it. Simple. Different species of nimals have different needs, different abilities to demonstrate these needs [insert scientific evidence], and we have to consider these differing circumstances accordingly, etc. etc. Even Peter Singer asserts that we must take the interests of different animals into account, though he does argue for equal consideration (as would I, if I had the choice in the debate).

Anyway, I was sorting through the books and came upon this particular one. Graphic depictions and accounts of human and animal slavery. I've been told by my own mother that I was going too far by equating the Holocaust or enslavement with animal cruelty... but why? They are both among the most horrendous acts of mankind. I nearly broke down in the library. The images. The descriptions of the experiments. Of course, I already knew of these things; this is why I am vegan. I just cannot take it sometimes. So many people around me, consuming things, unaware. By choice. Ignorance is bliss.

Really? I feel so sick. Some days I just try to suppress all emotion. I'm tired of hiding it though; I want reality to be shoved in people's faces. I am lonely, in my own little world. Being among vegans and activists helps, to a degree. But I am still tormented in loneliness within the mass of society. I've met someone online who shares many of these feelings. A little encounter by chance, I guess. It's nice to talk to him. It's nice to talk to anyone who understands. I want to spend my life making sure more people do. It's hard to turn depression, isolation, and disappointment in the human species into motivation, change, and progress. Today my ex-girlfriend told me she wanted to see me have confidence to do just that. I'm fairly certain she knows first-hand how my lack of confidence has contributed to my negative outlook. But it has never sacrificed my efficiency, only my attitude in the process. I want so much to believe that animal liberation can happen, even in my lifetime... but I can't help thinking about the vast amount of people spanning the globe and how truly difficult it is to make an impact. I know every little step makes a difference for some animal, somewhere. And that has to be enough. Otherwise, how can an activist keep working against the current day after day without collapsing?

I know politics well now. I've been discovering the political processes behind many of the environmental organizations I'm considering for my soon-to-be career. It's disappointing to see their official positions supporting hunting and "wildlife management." Their corporate backers and big oil connections. Ties to the Bush administration. A lot should change with Obama, but it will take time. And I only have a few months to make a decision. I know I cannot work within an organization that fundamentally opposes my own stances about animals. It seems like it has to be animal liberation versus environmental sustainability, but WHY? These two causes are interconnected. Forever. It is my life's mission to see that people start realizing it. Environmentalists and animal rights activists should be one in the same. My dad seems to think it would be feasible for me to work within one of these organizations and try to change it from the inside. He pointed out that the politics are necessary to function in this world. Sad, but true. Yet I can only do a certain amount of compromising before I am representing a cause that is completely out of my realm of values. I would rather take a completely neutral research job and do activist work on the side than support an organization that would work towards the slaughter of more animals. I only hoped that I could find my perfect career magically. I guess it's not so simple, after all.

I'm endlessly obsessing about the small things. My obsessive compulsive tendencies are getting the best of me, and I know it's because of all these underlying torments. I cannot stop worrying about how I will transport my belongings into my new residence in June, how I will organize them, and how many change of address forms I will have to fill out. I am aware that it is completely irrational for me to worry about these things at this point in time, especially before even finding a job or even a location to settle down. But I am doing it because it allows me to wrap my head around something I can control, unlike these other factors floating around but never settling.

Currently, I feel like a storm is brewing in the pit of my stomach.

My oldest dog, Rusty, was sick the other day. He had an abscess and went to the vet. He is okay, for now. This event seems to have attacked me with a new awareness of the temporary nature of life. We all come and go. I love my dogs and never want to be without them. I love my hamster, Mango, too.

Things are changing. Life is all a big transition, and I should laugh at the absurdity of it all. Why let the details rip me apart? In 10 years, they won't matter. In 100 years, there will only be echoes of my voice. In 1000 years, I'll just be a pile of dust. That is, if Earth hasn't been ravaged to destruction by then.

I stay up way too late. Pondering. Obsessing. Trying to get things done. It is reminiscent of high school and my uninformed notion of invincibility. I'm tired of my antibiotics. I want to be free from disease. I don't want to contribute to superbugs, but I have to in order to keep them at bay. Irony.

Josh and I don't talk enough. It will all be different soon. The future, being with him every day... Maybe all else will fade away.